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satire · trial loss aftermath · May 18, 2026

13 things Elon Musk would probably sue someone over in 2026

Musk lost his $134B trial vs Altman/OpenAI on May 18. He vows appeal at 9th Circuit. Naturally, he might also sue 13 other equally plausible defendants. Reveal-punchline format for your scrolling pleasure.

May 18, 2026 · ~5 min read · 100% satire 0% legal advice

⚖️ This is SATIRE The Musk vs Altman trial is real (verdict May 18, 2026 — jury rejected Musk in 2h, statute of limitations dispatched, Musk vows 9th Circuit appeal). Everything below is comedy. No actual Tesla owners were sued in the making of this article. Yet.
#1

A Tesla owner who waved at him in traffic

Filed in Travis County District Court. Plaintiff alleges that the wave "appeared sarcastic" and constitutes "unauthorized use of Tesla brand goodwill for personal communication purposes."

Reveal the punchline
Discovery process reveals the Tesla owner was actually waving at a friend in the next car. Lawsuit dismissed with prejudice. Musk tweets it's a "calendar issue" with the court clerk.
#2

His own 2017 emails

Files motion to legally repudiate emails sent by Elon Musk in 2017 on grounds that "past Elon doesn't represent current Elon's strategic vision." Cites doctrine of "future-self constitutional immunity."

Reveal the punchline
Court asks Musk to specify which past-Elon doctrines he's repudiating. Musk responds "ALL of them," then 4 hours later tweets "actually only the ones that helped OpenAI." Court orders mandatory mediation between 2017-Elon and 2026-Elon.
#3

A Starlink dish that's tilted 3 degrees

Suit alleges the tilted dish "transmits a visual statement of Starlink underperformance" causing reputational damage to SpaceX. Damages sought: $2.4B plus emotional distress.

Reveal the punchline
Owner's lawyer points out the dish self-adjusts based on satellite tracking algorithms designed by SpaceX engineers. Suit transformed into class action against SpaceX engineers. Musk fires lawyer.
#4

The judge who said the word "appeal" too dismissively

Petitions California State Bar to censure Judge Gonzalez Rogers for "tonal bias" when uttering the word "appeal" during May 18 verdict reading. Tone analysis attached as Exhibit A.

Reveal the punchline
State Bar responds with a polite form letter explaining how American judicial system works. Musk tweets a screenshot of the form letter with caption "incredible legal abuse." Letter goes viral.
#5

Sam Altman, but for something completely unrelated

Files NEW lawsuit alleging Altman's coffee cup at the May 6 deposition was "deceptively positioned" to convey false confidence. Demands $87M in punitive damages and one (1) actual hot coffee.

Reveal the punchline
Altman's defense team submits a single 2-page brief titled "It Was Just a Coffee Cup, Your Honor." Judge dismisses with sanctions. Altman donates the $87M demand to OpenAI Inc nonprofit arm. Musk tweets it's a "calendar coincidence."
#6

The Wikipedia article about him

Sues Wikimedia Foundation over the page "Elon Musk" for "systemic factual presentation that lacks proper Elon-affirmative framing." Demands plaintiff approval rights on all future edits.

Reveal the punchline
Wikimedia responds by offering Musk an account to edit Wikipedia like everyone else. Musk creates account "RealRealElon2." Account gets blocked for self-promotion within 6 hours. Musk sues Wikipedia again for "biased moderation." Loop continues forever.
#7

The concept of the number 134,000,000,000

Petitions U.S. Patent Office to recognize $134 billion as "intellectual property of Elon Musk plaintiff requests" since he was the first plaintiff to demand that exact amount from OpenAI.

Reveal the punchline
USPTO sends back the application with a friendly note explaining you can't trademark numbers, especially numbers attached to lost lawsuits. Musk tweets that USPTO is "deep state controlled." Number 134,000,000,000 quietly continues to exist independently.
#8

Greg Brockman's PowerPoint slide

Asks court to vacate the May 9 slide showing OpenAI's $0 → $13B ARR trajectory on grounds that "the chart's upward slope causes psychological distress to plaintiff."

Reveal the punchline
Court explains that slides admitted into evidence can't be vacated post-trial. Musk requests a meeting with Microsoft PowerPoint legal team. Microsoft sends a clip-art Clippy saying "Looks like you're trying to litigate a chart! Would you like help?"
#9

Ilya Sutskever's silence

Files defamation suit alleging Sutskever's invocation of 5th Amendment "implied a defamatory negative narrative about plaintiff." Demands Sutskever testify retroactively in a deposition that already happened.

Reveal the punchline
Sutskever's lawyers respond that silence is constitutionally protected and that "retroactive testimony" is not a legal concept. Suit dismissed. Sutskever's startup Safe Superintelligence Inc raises another $500M citing "credible silence under pressure."
#10

The Statute of Limitations itself

Files motion to legally declare the doctrine of statute of limitations "unconstitutional as applied to Elon Musk specifically" because it "creates arbitrary calendar barriers to billionaire justice-seeking."

Reveal the punchline
Court explains statute of limitations exists in every common law jurisdiction since the 11th century and is foundational to Anglo-American law. Musk tweets "judges should be elected" and forgets that federal judges are appointed for life specifically to prevent that.
#11

Microsoft for "being just there"

Counter-sues Microsoft after their successful "passive bystander defense" in main trial, alleging that "by being passively present at the OpenAI conversion, Microsoft actively enabled passivity which is itself a form of active enablement."

Reveal the punchline
Microsoft legal team replies in a 1-line filing: "Same response as before, Your Honor." Court accepts the 1-liner. Microsoft engineers add the phrase "we were just there" to their official corporate slogan as an inside joke. CEO Satya Nadella tweets about "the beauty of presence."
#12

Anthropic for benefitting from his lawsuit

Sues Anthropic ($900B valuation as of May 17, 2026) for "indirect unjust enrichment caused by 3 weeks of unfavorable OpenAI media coverage during plaintiff's trial proceedings."

Reveal the punchline
Anthropic responds with a single Claude-generated PDF explaining the legal concept of "you sued OpenAI, not them" in 47 different ways with progressively gentler tone. PDF leaks online. Wins "Most Polite Legal Filing 2026" at the American Bar Association awards. Anthropic ARR jumps to $32B next quarter.
#13

The 9th Circuit Court of Appeals — preemptively

Files motion at the 9th Circuit BEFORE submitting his appeal, requesting that the court "predetermine a favorable ruling" since "scheduling deliberations is inefficient when the answer is obviously correct."

Reveal the punchline
9th Circuit clerk's office files the motion under "novelty submissions" and sends Musk a polite reminder about Article III judicial procedure. Musk tweets that the 9th Circuit "needs reform." Plot twist: 12 months later, the actual appeal arrives, gets heard, and is rejected 3-0. Musk vows appeal to the Supreme Court. Reader smiles knowingly.
@elonmusk · live-tweet from courtroom (rhetorical)
"Statute of limitations is a deep state construct designed by Big Calendar to oppress visionaries. I will sue Big Calendar. And Big Statute. And Big Limitations. Probably also the deep state of the deep state."
12:47 AM · May 19, 2026 · 4.2M views · 891K likes · 12 community notes

📰 The actual trial in 30 seconds

Musk sued Altman + OpenAI + Microsoft in 2024 for breach of charitable trust (the 2019 OpenAI nonprofit → for-profit conversion). 3-week trial at Oakland federal court April-May 2026. Jury verdict May 18, 2026: unanimous rejection of Musk in 2h deliberation on statute of limitations (events 2017-2019, lawsuit 2024, beyond 3y charitable trust + 2y unjust enrichment delay). Musk vows 9th Circuit appeal. OpenAI IPO path (~$1T valuation) now unblocked, probable Q4 2026 / Q1 2027.

Frequently Asked Questions

Is this real?
No. This is SATIRE. The Musk vs Altman trial is real (verdict May 18 2026, jury rejected Musk on statute of limitations, Musk vows 9th Circuit appeal). Everything else is comedy. Musk has not actually sued any Tesla wavers, Starlink dish tilters, or his own 2017 emails. Yet.
Did Musk really tweet during Altman's deposition?
Documented during week 2 of trial (May 6) per MIT Tech Review week 3 coverage. Tweets matched the deposition transcript timestamps. Musk was not in the courtroom. Tweets deleted 24h later. Judge Gonzalez Rogers made a general remark next day about 'respect due to judicial institutions' without naming Musk directly.
What's the actual chance of Musk winning the 9th Circuit appeal?
Legal analysts cited 5-15% probability of inversion. Statute of limitations rulings are notoriously hard to overturn — they're pure procedural questions with clear date math. The 9th Circuit would need to redefine when the cause of action 'accrued' — possible but unlikely. Decision arrives 12-24 months later, well after OpenAI IPO. For serious analysis (not jokes), see mytheourealite.com.

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